Man with Stupid Hat: “Look, you need to give me the information or I will be forced to do unsavory things with this bullwhip.” Pola: “I have already told you that I will never reveal the secrets that I’m pretending that I don’t have. I am prepared to […]
Granny Mae, walking down the street: “Hey, girl. Watcha doin’ sittin’ on this bench outside Bonnywood Manor?” Stargazer Lily, perched on said bench, a rather clever one designed by Frank Lloyd Wright during his salad days before he made all that money: “Oh, hey, Granny. I was just […]
Mary Pickford, left: “What do you mean this doesn’t look realistic?” Douglas Fairbanks, right: “We’re supposed to be looking like the typical American family so the people in Kansas will identify with us and go see our movies. How does any of this say any of that?” Mary: […]
Alice, left: “Sister Girl, what the hell are you doing?” Marceline, right: “I’m singing a song about the joys of being a woman in America.” Alice: “Then why do you sound like the milk truck just ran over the cat?” Marceline: “Well, I’m trying to be uplifting, but […]
Note: This is another entry from a now-defunct blog wherein folks would submit silly questions to a fake psychologist and I would use them as a launching pad to destinations unknown… Dr. Brian, I am heading to Dallas in two days and will be staying with my […]
Carole: “Darling, how thoughtful of you. I’ve always wanted my own personal callus remover. You think of everything.” Darling: “Actually, I didn’t think of everything. I forgot to call you downstairs when it was time to open presents. Christmas was nearly a month ago.” Carole: “Really? I hadn’t […]
Boris: “Don’t you think it’s time we took the Christmas tree down?” Ginger: “Oh, heavens no! Can’t you see that Fluffy really likes living in it? Where will he sleep without the tree?” Boris: “Fluffy is a piñata that we got in Guadalajara when we were watching all […]
The college professor clicked a button and the photo appeared on the screen behind him. He addressed the class before him. “Today, we will learn about the variability of perception. How surfaces can inadvertently lie, which can then lead to lies maliciously surfacing. Tell me your first impressions. […]
Once upon a time, as a companion piece to my “Backup Dancers From Hell” blog, I had a side project entitled “Typos From Hell”, wherein I would slightly alter the title of a popular song and then come up with a fake promotional bit for that violated title. […]
Tea Party Handbook – Manly Edition, Section 42, Clause B: “This is the proper position that your wife should assume when you arrive at home after a long day of doing everything you can to ensure that white, conservative, misogynistic men rule the planet. She is not allowed […]
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